


A Spaiku Intervention

by mere_ubu



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen, Haiku, Poetry, Spaiku
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-25
Updated: 2010-07-25
Packaged: 2017-10-10 19:38:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/103515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mere_ubu/pseuds/mere_ubu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>75 Spuffycentric haiku caps from BtVS, Season 5/Episode 18, "Intervention." 16 parts. 1275 syllables</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Spaiku Intervention

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for robotic naughtitude and pitiless punning.
> 
> Written for the Spring 2009 round of LiveJournal's Seasonal Spuffy community. The theme for this round was "Poetry." (Le squee!) Mad props to Mister Beta for his invaluable input. Thanks as well to Rebcake for continued encouragement and the always awesome Always_JBJ for the beautiful banner.
> 
> Dedicated with love to Herself and Philips.
> 
> Disclaimer: Spike and Buffy belong to M.E. and never to me. Sigh.
> 
> Feedback is more refreshing than iced mint tea on a mosquito-infested Arkansas evening.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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**Intervention**

I.  
Heartbroken Slayer  
needs a break from Chosen path;  
had all she can take.

  
II.  
Nothing left to give.  
Have to reach the girl within  
before it's too late.

  
*III.  
Yeah. Strength, resilience,  
those are all words for hardness . . .  
turning me to stone.

  
IV.  
Watcher intercedes:  
desert sojourn may soften  
her petrified heart.

  
V.  
Is her love for real?  
Intense vows unnerve sister.  
Weird love's better than . . .

_*Found haiku taken from episode._

\--

**Invention**

I.  
. . . no love for Spike, huh?  
Fine. He has alternatives.  
Take what he can get.

  
II.  
Eyes the shiny toy,  
equal parts lust and distrust.  
Will this one want him?

  
III.  
Smells of plasticine,  
eyes gleam with synthetic love.  
It'll do for now.

\--

**Willing Suspension**

I.  
Watcher shakes his gourd,  
does arcane novelty dance;  
stewardship transferred.

  
II.  
Cougar spirit guides?  
Turtlenecks in the desert?!  
Visionquests are _strange._

\--

**Pretension**

I.  
Juxtaposition—  
Buffy gropes to find the truth;  
Spike fondles a lie.

  
II.  
Spars with the Slayer's  
robotic doppelganger,  
works out his issues.

  
III.  
Gadget likes to _play;_  
what she lacks, she makes up in  
enthusiasm.

  
IV.  
Bot's ecstatic chirps  
_helpless against you, you fiend!_  
music to his ears.

  
*V.  
I want to let you  
(gasp) bite me and devour me  
until there's no more!

  
VI.  
Wants to be trusted  
with her life's blood, to be found  
irresistible.

  
VII.  
Jarred from fantasy—  
**[Beeeep. Start this program over?]**  
never be Buffy.

_*Found haiku taken from episode._

\--

**It Came from Another Dimension**

I.  
God of bad home perms  
longs for the hellfires of home.  
Slayer holds the Key.

  
II.  
Hatches a new plan:  
send simpering sycophants  
to find the Precious.

  
III.  
*Who's new in her life?  
Who's special? Who's different?  
Go get it for me!

_*Found haiku taken from episode._

\--

**Unconventional Patrol**

I.  
Bot on a mission:  
"Vampires of the world, beware!"  
(Especially one.)

  
II.  
Wakes up on the floor,  
in the buff sans Buffybot.  
Pants? Where are his pants?!

  
III.  
It's fun to see friends,  
inquire after their loved ones.  
Anya seems quite pleased!

  
IV.  
Flustered vamp turns up  
to commence damage control;  
turns down horny bot.

  
V.  
Xander notices  
Buffster's handsiness with Spike.  
Now that? Is damned odd.

  
VI.  
Loitering lackeys  
take heed when Slayer becomes  
overprotective.

\--

**Unmentionable Doings**

I.  
Vamps deftly dispatched,  
and yet she itches for more.  
Spikey has the cure.

  
II.  
Xander entertains  
post-slayage uncertainties,  
hears something amiss.

  
III.  
Can I Be Blind, Two:  
Buffy! Rocking and straddling—  
Spike hips! Hips of Spike!

  
V.  
Scooby handwringing  
results in a consensus:  
The Boinking Must End.

\--

**Bone of Contention**

I.  
What has she become  
that only the dead love her?  
Is something missing?

  
II.  
Night in the desert:  
stares into the fire and sees  
a Restless figure.

  
III.  
Poses her query:  
is she still able to love?  
Is she loveable?

  
*IV.  
You are full of love.  
Love will bring you to your gift.  
Forgive. Risk the pain.

  
V.  
_Death_ is her gift?! Geez.  
What's the return policy?  
Can she exchange it?

  
VI.  
Death is not a _gift!_  
It can only take away,  
supplant love with loss.

  
VII.  
Rasta Slayer fades.  
No answers; just more questions.  
Great big donut hole.

_*Found haiku taken from episode._

\--

**Misapprehension**

I.  
Blow job suspended  
as Hero Harris blows in.  
No one bloody knocks!

  
II.  
Insulting, really.  
Even if it _were_ Buffy,  
none of his affair.

  
III.  
"I'm not a monster."  
Quibble over semantics  
halted by henchmen.

  
IV.  
Boy beset, bested  
by misdirected minions,  
vamp gagged and dragged off.

\--

**Incomprehension**

I.  
Bot tires of waiting  
for her Master to return.  
Go make Spike happy!

  
II.  
Seeks out BFF.  
**[gay since nineteen ninety-nine]**  
She'll know what to do!

  
III.  
Attempts to point out  
error of vamp-shagging ways  
lead to TMI.

  
IV.  
"I could make sketches."  
Oh, no one needs to see that!  
Spike in the Buff?! Eww!

  
V.  
Spike is _very_ skilled  
at giving the oral sex.  
Like you. 'Cause you're gay!

  
VI.  
Reiterations  
of her orientation  
produce vexation.

\--

**Detention**

I.  
This Keyed-up wack job  
wants to know about l'il sis?  
See her in hell first.

  
II.  
So that thing's precious?!  
Huh. Long as she has it here,  
couldn't hurt to dig.

  
III.  
She'd be just his type  
in other circumstances:  
vain and unstable.

  
IV.  
Takes more than torture  
to check his impertinence;  
never could shut it.

  
V.  
Need a quick exit?  
Vicious, unvarnished candor  
opens walls nicely.

  
VI.  
Taunts his tormentor,  
Bob Barkers up the wrong tree  
'til she knocks him loose.

\--

**Comprehension**

I.  
Pilgrim's homecoming  
marred by false allegations  
and blame—there's blame now?!

  
II.  
Having sex with Spike.  
_The who whatting how with HUH???_  
Inconceivable!

  
III.  
Strong, mysterious,  
and compact yet well-muscled . . .  
wellll, they _were_ roomies.

  
IV.  
Skirt girl reappears,  
nauseating knowledge dawns.  
Buffy buys brain bleach.

  
V.  
They couldn't tell her  
from an android concubine?  
Sooo discouraging.

\--

**Circumvention**

I.  
Though battered and fried,  
remains a pain in Glory's  
lame, lopsided ass.

  
II.  
Beaten vamp absconds  
via elevator shaft.  
(Beats being shafted!)

  
III.  
Upright citizen  
can't stand up for falling down.  
Virtue? Stings a bit.

  
IV.  
Duplicate Slayers,  
Scoobs brawling with bootlickers . . .  
all for l'il ol' him?

  
V.  
Brave, rescuing Bot  
makes ultimate sacrifice  
for her own true love.

\--

**Tension**

I.  
Checks out her double,  
wonders how friends were fooled by  
shoddy craftsmanship.

  
II.  
Dawn gasps, "A _sex bot?_  
Not a partner for checkers?  
Shyeah, color me stunned."

  
III.  
Pictures Spike's treason,  
prays for a dusty ending  
to her vamp troubles.

  
IV.  
Did he rat them out?  
After all, why wouldn't he?  
Soulless Undead Guy.

  
IV.  
Vengeance in disguise:  
a Slayer in Bot's clothing  
goes to verify.

\--

**Attention Must Be Paid**

I.  
Enters crypt, winces.  
Unsure what she expected . . .  
not this mangled man.

  
II.  
Shocks just keep coming:  
risked his unlife to save Dawn's.  
Why did he do that?

  
III.  
Touched by his good deed,  
bestows a favor upon  
chivalrous vampire.

  
IV.  
_Sexy wounds?!_ Sweet Christ!  
Hurts like a buggering bitch.  
Bloody hell . . . _Buffy._

  
V.  
_Forgive. Risk the pain._  
If she can feel this for him,  
maybe there's still hope.

  
VI.  
"I won't forget it."  
(replays her kiss endlessly)  
No. He won't, either.

\--

**Reinvention**

Started with a fake,  
ended up with something real.  
'S poetic, that.

  
**~F I N~**

 

_ **  
** _

 


End file.
